a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
