I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
