I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
