well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
