while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
