3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
