She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
