i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
