I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
