New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
