...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
