I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
