I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
