i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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