Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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