I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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