ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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