what day is it and did you see me today?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
