i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
