I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
