Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think my moral compass just broke
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