I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
