Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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