HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
