I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
