Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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