Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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