God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
