Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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