i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
