arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
