I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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