I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
