My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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