dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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