Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
