My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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