saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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