This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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