I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
