Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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