she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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