so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
