Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
