I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
too bad you live with your parents still
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
