Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
