its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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