lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
