Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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