You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
