One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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