I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
